Dr. Kinbote is busy at an orthodontist's convention, so the ball is in my court. I am currently writing from a desktop in Dr. Kinbote's guestroom. I'm living here until my wife--his eldest daughter--can get a more lucrative job. I am, as you may already know, a proud black male, but also a very complicated, multi-faceted, raceless-in-my-worldview human being. My first post concerns basketball, notwithstanding.
Red Auerbach gave an interview
a few weeks ago in which he implied ABC's flashy presentaion of the NBA FINALS was an affront to the purity of the game.
I usually dismiss Red's words as the calumny of a decaying Phil-Jackson bashing cocksucker. But this time, I saw the wisdom to Red's words. Sports converage, like most media, is a meta-industry dedicated to propogating its own form and, in the process, trivializing its orginal function. A show like SportsCenter is as much a vehicle for its anchors to engage in a certian ceremonialized smug lexicon as it is a window into the day's athletic events.
Confession: This idea wasn't wholly my own. It's closely paraphrased from a rant delivered by Abe Goldman, a former middle school buddy of mine who's starting to freak me out with his tacitly homosexual propensities. Abe is, might I add, a corpulent, lazy, acne-scarred, self-conscious, bitter man.
At any rate, Abe and I were blazing at a lookout point on Mulholland last weekend when he told me about one of his (non-sexual) fantasies. He envisioned a world in which being a fucking incompetent loser became a major sport. He then wrote onto a beige envelope potruding from his pocket the following skit: (Note that the Abe in his skit is markedly heterosexual)
CLOSEUP OF A VIVID PLASMA DISPLAY. A SPORTSCENTER-LIKE SHOW. LINDA COHN, IN STUDIO, SPEAKS WITH STEPHEN A. SMITH IN L.A.
While team personnel officially say Goldman is out at least
four games with this rare virus, some sources within the
league have indicated it could be longer.
We go to our Stephen A. Smith in Los Angeles for a further
breakdown of Abe’s season.
---Stephen A. Smith speaks as the following edited video appears on screen----
(A raucous crowd cheers as a near-tears Abe Goldman eats Taco Bell, smokes weed out of an apple, and looks at pictures from his old high school yearbook. A statistical overlay reads “Abe Goldman, 5’7”. 190. Tacos: 6/8. .750. Bowls Packed: 5. Hot Sauce: Mild." Abe watches porn on his laptop and opens a bottle of lotion while an announcer shouts “Oh my, an incredible shot!” A huge banner of Abe procuring his prescription acne medication drapes the side of Staples Center.)
Abe’s a gamer and I think he’ll be okay for the next series.
What’s impressing me about his overall game this year is the
versatility. I mean, he’s lonely, smoking weed out of fruit,
overeating, and perusing his old yearbooks almost every
night now; he’s developed a great eye for creative cumshots,
and he’s a straight up recorder playing, girl-avoiding,
cookie-baking introvert. Sure, some guys can ball in one
of these categories, but Abe is a smooth operator in em all.
Don’t believe me? Believe his coach.
---One Coach Hendricks appears on screen in a locker room interview---
Yeah, he’s a pleasure to coach. What’s been big for
us this year is how long he’s been alone. A lot of
guys just seem to fall into that trap of relating with
women in sort of a dynamic, satisfying way. Not Abe.
I’d say he’s becoming one of the more awkward guys I know.
I think if he can alienate himself a little more come playoffs,
and really cultivate his alcoholism, the sky’s the limit.
I hear my wife Jenny returning home from work in her pearl white Mercedes. I must go.